Friday, June 21, 2013

Mailbag: Day Game or Online Dating? Part 2

Continued from Part 1:

The third part of your question is about online dating. It has its place in the gaming arsenal, but I'll give you two reasons not to devote precious time to it:

1) It's not a good ROI if you're a "normal" guy looking to date "normal" girls
2) It doesn't give you any real-life skills

I define "normal" thusly: you're in decent shape, but you're not an underwear model. You're a good enough writer, but you're not going to beat delicioustacos in an essay contest. You have some reasonable hobbies, but you're not the Dos Equis guy. You may have to message 15 girls before you get a single response. It may take responses from 2 or 3 girls to get a single date. It may take dates with 3 girls before you can escalate to whatever physical/emotional goals you have. This assumes you want girls who are at lest presentable (5+ on the 1-10 scale), and that you have at least average "first message" game. Do you like those odds?

That segues into point two -- if you've sent out nearly 100 messages to get a few measly dates, you've spent hours of your life typing words into a computer, few of which will ever see the light of day. Not dealing with your anxiety about rejection. Not improving your body. Not starting a business or improving real life skills

Online dating will not only discourage you from making changes; it actively makes your game worse. Seeing pictures of girls online saps your motivation to seek novelty and to talk to girls in real life, the same way porn saps your desire for real-life sex. You are a beginner, and you WILL use it as a crutch that prevents you from approaching girls in real life. You already mentioned a problem with fear of rejection. You will never conquer it using online dating.

Perhaps the most well-covered negative to dating online is the schism between a girl's expectations and her realistic value. I'll level with you -- even modestly decent-looking girls online see themselves as way out of your league. They get 50 messages a day from solid-yet-unremarkable men. It encourages a window shopper mentality, makes them find reasons to reject you, and gives them an inflated sense of their value. A fringe 6 in the club gets treated like a 9 online. Don't believe me? Set up a fake profile with a couple cute girl pics and track how many messages you get.

I've had some success with OKCupid and met some high-quality girls. But the (hundreds of?) hours I spent crafting messages, waiting to reply, working on my profile, thinking about when to respond, etc. could have been put to better use, both in pursuit of women and of real life goals.

A last note -- if you do decide to go this route (and I wouldn't recommend it to start out), for goodness sake don't PAY to be on one of these time-sucking websites. They have a financial incentive for you to fail.  

I suspect you might be a decent guy just looking for some control over your love life and, ultimately, a relationship. Even so, it behooves you to develop yourself and your game first, and only then use online dating to supplement. Thanks for the question, and best of luck.

Readers: Please send your questions to manexmachina at gmail dot com

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